The Strategies
Enjoy this experpt from the book Strategies for Happiness: How to Achieve Your Happiness Potential. To get the full story, Click here to order a copy today!
Forgive
Think of a time when you have be hurt or insulted, how it filled you with anger. Are you still carrying that anger? Holding on to the pain will prove and produce nothing. You need to get rid of the pain. It's time to forgive.
It's a trap to think that because someone has hurt us, we will never be able to forgive and move beyond it. However, if you really want to experience the happiness that true freedom brings, then you have to figure out how to let go of the pain through forgiveness.
As we go through life, it's inevitable that people are going do things to us that will hurt. When that happens, we have a decision to make. We can be angry, in pain, hurting, holding a grudge, or we make the choice to rise above the need to be right, or the desire to put people in their place, and instead, forgive. Forgiveness is being able to look beyond the event or person that caused the pain. It's choosing to no longer let it have validity or power over you.
People say it takes a long time to forgive. It may seem this way at times, but really, this is a lie we tell ourselves because on some level, we are enjoying our pain. We want the world to say, "Poor little child, it's just too bad." The reality is, we are not poor, but rich and powerful. We can overcome it if we choose to do so.
Forgiveness is something you do primarily for you, and it's in your best self-interest to do so. You don't forgive to make their life better or burden-free. You do it to set yourself free. If you forgive and let them know it, and they appreciate it, even better, but that's not the point.
This may sound selfish, but you have to take care of yourself first if you want to be in the best position possible to help others. If you are burdened with hate, anger, frustration, lust for revenge and bitterness, you cannot be your best, nor help others to a better, richer life. It's hard for people to get their brain wrapped around the idea that when they forgive, it is for themselves and not for the perpetrator of the hurt. As long as you are engulfed with pain, you are their helpless slave.
The first step is to acknowledge your pain, and then make the decision that you want to experience the freedom that forgiveness brings. You may not have actually forgiven yet, but by acknowledging your willingness that you really do want to, you are moving in the right direction.
While it's useless to live in the past, it's important to understand why the past can still affect us. Examine your heart and mind. Is it real? Do you have an authentic reason to be upset or are you just holding on to the pain because it is familiar and in that way comforting?
The last thing I want to do is to trivialize the pain that people suffer. Even so, no matter what degree of hurt people feel, if they don't find resolution, they are just wallowing in their pain and by doing so, allowing the perpetrator to have power over them. It's so hard for people to forgive because by forgiving, it looks like they are giving in to the perpetrator – that they are letting him/her get away with it.
It's actually the other way around. Through forgiveness, you free yourself from the bondage of pain and allow yourself to find joy. For myself, I would rather forgive and be free than to hold on to the pain in order to prove to the world that I am right. Those who refuse to forgive may feel satisfaction in the thought that maybe the person or persons that hurt them are suffering because they are not being forgiven. In reality, this is most likely not the case.
When someone has wronged you, and you hold a grudge towards him or her, they continue to hold power over you. Whether they realize it or not, whether they even care, they will continue to hold power over you until you let it go.
I don't suggest that someone should just get away with it because you forgive. Take whatever action you think is necessary in the context of the situation, but remember that your happiness is more important than proving to the world that you were right and they were wrong.
Will you always able to forgive? No, at least not right away. The difference is in knowing that forgiveness creates freedom. I prefer freedom to bondage, so if I find myself holding a grudge, I try to create a reason to push me to do it.
Sometimes when you are angry with people, and when it's hard to forgive, it may be because on some level, you refuse to acknowledge your responsibility in the situation. You hide behind the hurt and say, "It's all their fault, they did this to me." Stop for a moment to consider that maybe in some way you are contributing to the situation. That still doesn't make their behaviour right but you need to be open to the possibility that your actions are adding to the problem.
Being Responsible
How do your actions affect the situation, whether you are in the right or the wrong?
It comes back to being accountable for your actions. Events may happen that are outside your control, but you are still accountable for how you respond to them. If you were abused as a child, you might grow up carrying a burden of shame, guilt and anger. There may be good reason to be angry.
Accountability means looking at the whole picture and making the decision to change your response to something that is in your best interest. Hatred, unresolved anger, and suffering will not serve you. By being accountable, you are saying that you want to take control of your life and will not be manipulated.
Forgiveness is a response that gives you freedom, which will make you happy. Forgiveness is taking back your personal power. It seems so hard to do because we think we are giving in when we are really showing strength. It's saying to whoever hurt you, "You no longer have control over me. I am no longer your slave. I am stronger than you."
We often feel that we have the right to be bitter or angry. However, we pay a heavy price for claiming that right. On the other hand, freedom is such an exquisite feeling of lightness and joy as well as a wonderful serge of power. By being free, you have much more control over your life.
People don't want to forgive because they want to prove to the world that they are right. If they forgive, it may be perceived that they are somehow wrong. This is both foolish and childish. If you know in your heart that you are right and still can find the strength to forgive, what does it matter what others, even the perpetrator, think? By forgiving, you are breaking that chain.
Forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail card. There is a difference between forgiving and holding people accountable for their actions. What you need to concentrate on is not whether they get their come-uppance, but to ask yourself "What is the best thing for me to do? What is going to free me to be the best I can be and feel fulfilled and happy?" The answer to that is to forgive and move on.
Those that hurt you need to face the consequences of their actions. That could be as simple as losing your friendship or as serious as going to jail. Whatever it is, don't feel that because you forgive, they get off without any repercussions, but don't fall into the trap of looking for and enjoying revenge. That only brings you to their level.
Anger is a normal reaction, and one that shouldn't be ignored. It often is a signal we need to heed. It is important that we stop and listen to the message it has for us. When anger is not dealt with properly, it can turn inward and grow into resentment and bitterness often leading to depression. By forgiving, we can release the anger before it can become harmful.
It is also a trap to feel that the perpetrator should first acknowledge what they did and ask for forgiveness, before we, in our largess will condescend to consider doing it. It doesn't work that way. You can't wait for the other person to acknowledge what he/she has done. People often don't know that they have done anything to you, or may not even care. They may even get a kick out of it.
The power of forgiveness is not dependent on interaction with the person that has hurt you, but is completely in your power and control. When you believe that giving your forgiveness is dependent on the other person's admission of guilt, you are locked in a vicious circle of pain that will not be resolved.
You can't expect those that hurt you to come and ask for forgiveness. If you wait until that happens, most of the time you will remain in pain. Why wait? Remember, it's your best self interest to forgive. That person may not be in your life anymore. They may have moved away, or died. If you feel the need to wait until they ask for forgiveness, you are doomed. The perpetrator is not in need of forgiveness so much as you are in need to forgive.
The actual process that you go through in order to obtain the peace that comes with forgiving is a very individual thing. Be open and honest that you have felt pain. Life can be very messy sometimes and denial is not going to make it any better. Instead of denial, allow yourself to feel the pain, and you will work through it and heal faster.
Take a look at what hurt you and examine all sides of the situation. Put yourself in the position of the individual who hurt you and try and understand where he/she is coming from. Again, understanding is not agreeing.
The Three People to Forgive
There are three people you need to forgive. First of all your parents or whoever was your major caregiver growing up. These people were only human, with their own warts and wrinkles, their own demons and damage from their past. They did the best they could with what they had. Even if they didn't do their best and were just downright nasty, forgive them so they will no longer have power over you.
Secondly, forgive the other people in your life that may not have been the best of friends, who used you or abused you. Examine the reason you are hurt Put yourself in their shoes. Be open and honest and examine all sides of the situation.
Then last and most important, forgive yourself. Give yourself a break. Allow that you are human and make mistakes. Love yourself enough to let go of the pain.
Heal the Wound
Unless you make the effort to forgive you will not heal, period. As long as you hold a grudge, you will be in pain. Pain in the body is a sign that something is wrong. Something needs to be attended to.
Imagine that someone hit you and made you bleed. If you waited until that person asked for forgiveness before you took care of the wound, it would get infected and would fester. The smart thing would be to get it looked after immediately. You would clean the wound, bandage it up, and keep it clean. If it were bad enough, you would go and see a doctor or health care provider, get it stitched, and put ointment on it. You would do everything in your power to make sure that the wound healed properly. Why? First of all, because you don't want to die. Secondly, because a treated wound feels better – a healed wound even better. If a wound is taken care of, it will heal faster and there will be less chance of a scar or infection. Soon, you will be back on your feet, out there enjoying life again. The longer you leave the wound full of poison and dirt, the closer you get to death, and you will always be in pain.
There is little difference between physical pain or holding a grudge. If someone hurts you, do whatever it takes to move towards healing. Bitterness will never heal a soul's wound – only make it fester and die.
Nine Steps to Forgiveness
The website www.learningtoforgive.com has the following steps, developed by Dr. Frederic Luskin, which are designed to help you in your effort to forgive.
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace, and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
Dr. Luskin says,
"The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress, and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion, and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude, which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love."
You have the full right to carry the burden of the pain of your past if you choose to. But, why would you want to? Have you ever had to carry something heavy for a long while – a sack of potatoes, a computer monitor, a baby? When you put it down, you feel such a release and lightness. You can stretch and move and relax. You say to yourself, "Boy, is that heavy or what? Does it ever feel good to put it down." Forgiveness is like that. You feel light. You feel free.
Sometimes, You Need to be Forgiven
Forgiveness goes both ways. Sometimes we are the ones who disrespect and violate other. This reflects badly on our character, and will ultimately hurt us. As much as each individual is responsible for their own choices in how they may respond to negative events, if we have been instrumental in their pain, then it is in our best interest to seek forgiveness and find ways to resolve the issue.
By seeking forgiveness, we acknowledge that we have been disrespectful, making them understand that they are being heard and taken seriously. This awareness can helps in the healing.
Once you have asked for forgiveness, you need to let it go. They may forgive, or they may not. If they do forgive, thank them for their gift. If not, accept it. You cannot force it.
Do whatever you can to resolve your differences. However, if they refuse to participate by forgiving, don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt. You have done your best to resolve it, and if they choose to continue in the pain, that is their choice. Learn from the situation, and move on.
Forgiveness, whether we give it, or seek it, is vital in the development of your happiness potential. Forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is empowerment. Forgiveness is freedom.