The Strategies
Enjoy this experpt from the book Strategies for Happiness: How to Achieve Your Happiness Potential. To get the full story, Click here to order a copy today!
Purge the Pity Party
I was driving to work in a funk. The closer I got to the office, the more I was grumbling under my breath. I drove into the parking lot, my frustration and disdain building minute by minute. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't enjoy my job and I was frustrated that I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. As I was getting out of my car, the most amazing thing happened to me. I heard a voice speak to me. It said, "Are you feeling sorry for yourself?"
That question made me laugh and all of a sudden, the gloom was gone. Vanished. Out of there. I didn't even have to analyze what I was feeling sorry about. I just knew that I had been, and the realization lifted me out of it.
When I realized that I had allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, I immediately snapped out of it. When I became acutely aware of what was happening, I acknowledged it and was then was able to do something about it. It's like AA: the first step is to acknowledge you have a problem.
I have heard about people hearing voices, but had never had it happen to me. Actually, to say it was a voice, like someone was standing next to me speaking into my ear, doesn't really describe it. It was more like a thought, a very strong and distinct thought, that crashed into my head – a thought that came, but not from my thinking.
Anyway, whatever you might think about my sanity at that moment, it was an amazing experience. I stopped in my tracks and listened. Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.
I was resentful that I had to get out of my comfy bed that morning and get ready to go to a job that I hated. I was frustrated that I had to endure a day of tedium, instead of pursuing what I really wanted to do. I was angry about a whole bunch of other little, seemingly unimportant and petty things the world was throwing my way. When I started to acknowledge all the wonderful things I had in my life to be grateful for and how far I had come in working towards my goals, my attitude and mood changed dramatically.
Becoming aware of my foul state of mind allowed me to make the choice to act differently. The effect was immediate and wonderful. I was no longer glum and resentful. I was full of joy and appreciation for the job at hand.
Even though my job was not what I really wanted to do, it was a stepping stone towards my passion. It paid my bills and taught me many skills that would be useful as I progressed towards my goals.
As I continued to walk to my office, I realized that although my mood had changed, there was still some residual negativity. Then I heard the voice come again. This time it asked me, "What are you afraid of?" What? Afraid? I wasn't aware I was afraid of anything in particular.
Having learned an important lesson from the voice before, I started to examine myself and realized that I indeed had some fears that were affecting my mind and heart.
Failure had been such a big issue with me over the years. I had tried so many things and it seemed, at least in my mind, that most of the time I failed. I had so many thoughts race through my head, judging and condemning me for all my mistakes. These thoughts were critical, while the voice I had just heard was gentle and loving.
Have you ever stopped to listen to your thoughts and hear what they have to say about you? It's not always pretty. Often we say all sorts of horrible things to ourselves. T. Harv Eker, author of Secrets of the Millionaire Mind would call this Mind-Frick.
It's important to be aware of what your Mind-Frick is saying so you are able to dispute it. Whatever you do, don't agree with it; don't let it have control. My Mind-Frick was trying to tell me I had failed so many times, and this would be no different and was trying to convince me I had a big F for failure tattooed on my forehead.
To make matters worse, I also realized I was equally afraid of succeeding, and not being deserving of it. If I succeeded, I would have a new set of responsibilities to live up to, which would be a lot of hard work. With awareness, I was able to identify and then deal with the thoughts. I came to realized that I was actually very successful. Not only was I not a failure, but I had handled success quite well.
Face the Emotion Honestly
Happiness is a state of being, not a state of feeling. We can be happy beings who, from time to time, experience negative emotions. When this happens it is not a good idea to just sweep them under the rug and expect them to go away. Sometimes, you need to allow yourself to feel the negative emotion in order to purge it from your system.
Negative thoughts and emotions should not be ignored. Instead, light needs to be shed on their existence in order to effectively eliminate them. You don't need to understand all the reasons they are there; you just need make the choice to have a healthy and constructive response to them. Give yourself permission to take a moment, feel the pain, have a good cry, maybe scream a little bit, and get it out of your system. Once you have done that, let it go. Don't dwell on it or wallow in the situation.
I am grateful for this experience because it taught me to examine my frame of mind anytime I am in a bad mood. Now when it happens, I ask myself the same questions. I actively look for those things that I have allowed myself to feel sorry about – no matter what the significance – check my fears, and focus on gratitude. Your mind can't handle being both in a pitying and a grateful state. I would rather be grateful and full of appreciation than full of the misery of self-pity. I once saw a sign which read, "If you are not happy and grateful to be alive everyday, your ego is running your life." In this context, ego is another way of describing victim mentality.
I am not saying that in order to overcome self-pity, you need to hear voices in your head. When you are feeling down, just ask yourself those two simple questions: "Am I feeling sorry for myself?" and "What am I afraid of?" Being aware is key to being happy.
I don't need the voice to remind me, though I would be open to hearing it again. Something tells me that little voice is very wise.