The Strategies
Enjoy this experpt from the book Strategies for Happiness: How to Achieve Your Happiness Potential. To get the full story, Click here to order a copy today!
Be Self-Centred
Be self-centred. You heard me! I am telling you, in order to be happy, you need to be self-centred. I realize this is not the standard dictionary usage of the word self-centred, so let me explain.
When I say be self-centred, I don't mean to be self-absorbed, thinking only of yourself, doing whatever you feel like with no regard for how it will affect others. Instead, it is about being centred, well-grounded, and balanced. It's about taking care of yourself first-mentally, physically and otherwise; then you will be in the best possible position to help others.
This includes doing whatever it takes to make yourself authentically happy. Find out what your source of happiness is and go for it. Remember that hurting or harming others does not bring true happiness.
The more you have true joy, the more you will have to share with others around you. Real happiness has the wonderful effect of generating joy and good will to others. It's a win-win situation.
Positive Self-Interest
Being self-centred means that you are centred as a person. You know yourself well and are focused as to who you are and what you are willing to do in your life. You are not easily manipulated. You know when to say no. You take on tasks because you want to, not because you are guilted into it.
Everything you do should be in the pursuit of your own happiness. Don't be ashamed of this. This drive can spur us on to great things if it's fueled by positive self-interest. You need to take care of yourself first before you can help others. You need to follow your dreams, not the dreams of others. Even Mother Teresa was motivated by positive self-interest. It was in her self-interest to help the poor because it filled her with joy.
Self-centred people (in the positive sense of the term) are those who have dedicated their lives to pursuing authentic happiness, that deep abiding joy. They are sure of themselves, and are free from the burdens of guilt, shame, pain, anger, hatred, and self-pity.
This type of person has no need to get the attention and sympathy of others by being a victim or by lashing out negatively at those around them. Instead, being centred, balanced and fulfilled, they radiate joy, which is contagious.
Being free from negative emotions and actions results in more joy and clear headedness; it's just so much more fun. Who would you rather associate with – those who are sulky and feeling sorry for themselves, always plotting revenge, or those who are cheerful and optimistic, finding solutions to their problems?
Just because you are happy does not mean that you don't see the need to change things and just sit back and do nothing. It does mean that if we see a need for change, we have the right motivation to make the change. Be careful of the battles you choose to fight.
Anger is a poor motivator. The belief is that anger gives us the energy to do something about things that are upsetting. While it may spur us into action, it often makes us look like fools in the end. A common reaction to situations that make us angry and frustrated is to scream and say, "It's not fair!" which is acting in victim mode. Being a victim is always a position of being powerless.
Anger is a legitimate feeling and one that should not be ignored; however, it is still something that we choose to feel. Use anger as a tool to identify the areas that need to be changed, then let them go.
There is so much horror in the world, and we need to do as much as possible to make our planet a better place. This can be done by taking a stand on the issues that we value. We are much better-equipped to make those changes if we have the strength of joy and optimism behind us. Productivity, power, and lasting change comes with a clear head and a happy heart.
Anger Opens You to Manipulation
Imagine this. You are presented with an issue that really angers you. You are so incensed with emotion that in the heat of the moment, you declare, "Yes! I am going to do something about it!" Then, when it's all over, you look back and see that the incident was really not as serious as you had initially believed.
The realization hits that the cause being championed is actually someone else's battle, and they used you as a pawn to further their personal agenda. Being so distracted by your anger, an opportunity was missed to make a real and important change. I can tell you from experience, it's not a pleasant feeling.
I once owned a house in a small community outside Ottawa where we co-owned the property that centered on our houses. One of the other owners brought to our attention that there might be a problem with the structure of the houses, which had all been built by the same contractor. There was much discussion as to what were the best options for possible legal action.
At first I was upset about the possible problems. I joined the discussion and was considering what would be the best action to take. Then I stopped, stepped back, and took a broader look at the situation.
I did some research of my own and came to the conclusion that the issues that had been presented where not real. In fact, taking legal action was only going to damage relationships with the town, and in the long haul, put us at a disadvantage and possibly lowering the value of the houses. We were actually being manipulated into taking action because of someone else's agenda, which was more about personal revenge than actual problems.
I was glad I got out of it when I did, but it was a scary reminder of how others can manipulate for their own gain. When you are self-centred, in other words, centred and secure in yourself, there is less chance of others using you.
Don't Shoulder Other People's Burdens
Do whatever you can to help others in need. Giving of yourself is a great source of happiness, but be careful. It is easy to get so caught up in another persons' pain that we take it upon our own shoulders.
Someone is in trouble. A solution has to be found! The wheels start turning in the mind in an effort to find a way to fix the problem. By taking possession of the problem, there becomes a need to resolve it. It's now our responsibility. Then, when a possible solution is found and advice is dispatched, our efforts may be ignored or spurred. Our thanks for all the effort is that we are hurt and frustrated, and the problem hasn't gone away.
It is important to feel empathy for other people when they are suffering. Often, we do have useful advice and insight that can help the person get through the situation, and ideas for solutions that could be the answer. However, the problem starts when we feel that our solution is the only one.
It's not productive to attempt to take control over someone else's problem, even if it seems to us to be for their own good. They do not need to fixed, but instead, they should be allowed to decide their own path to resolution. You can help, but you must not control. As much as it may hurt you to watch, they need to do their own thing and make the final decision, no matter what the result. How else will they learn? If they do fail, it's important to be there to provide support and care, not to say "I told you so."
As much as I appreciate all the wisdom, advice, and help people have given me over the years, in the end, I was the one to make my choices, for good or bad, to learn from them, and know that my friends supported me, no matter how crazy the idea was.
Teach Others to Treat You Well
Have you ever heard yourself saying, "She/he makes me so mad. She/he is so mean to me. I don't know why I put up with her/him"? On the surface, it looks like something external has caused grief. However, the reality is that no one can cause you pain unless you agree to it.
Having said that, there is no reason why you have to accept bad treatment. While showing respect for others, no matter how they treat you, there is no reason that you have to just accept it when they disrespect you. Instead of choosing self-pity and blame, you need to stand up for yourself with the expectation that they will treat you with respect and courtesy. That's being self-centred.
When you are treated poorly, confront the person(s) involved, but do it in a spirit of love and acceptance. When we tear down those who hurt or anger us, it may makes us feel a bit better about ourselves momentarily, but that is a trap. We sink to their level when we lash out, ultimately hurting us in the end.
You can't control how others behave toward you, but if you don't let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable, then nothing will happen. When this happens, don't take their behavior personally. Remember that it's their problem, not yours. Be in control of your life and your state of being, and don't let others dictate how you feel. Don't waste your precious life energy on their problems.
You don't need to defend your point of view. Being self-centred means you know who you are and what you believe in and stand for. All you need to do is let others know that you will not be treated like dirt. Be strong and assertive, but be loving and forgiving at the same time.
Often, bad behaviour continues not out of malice, but because people are not even aware that something upsets you. They can't read your mind. While it shows great strength and courage to forgive, overlooking inappropriate behaviour may result in it continuing. Making them aware gives them the opportunity to change, learn, and grow, as well.
Then there are those who treat you badly, know it, and take pleasure in it. Again, don't just sit and stew. You need to take action and confront them. If they refuse to change, which they have the full right to do, you have to decide if it is worthwhile keeping a relationship with them or moving on.
No matter how much you might think you need someone in your life, no relationship is worth the destruction of your own well-being. You have to decide what you will or will not live with.
Whatever your situation, don't allow others to put you down. You are worthy of respect, always. Demand and expect it from others, as well.
Change Yourself and Let Others Be
How often have we heard about people who got married and were miserable. They knew that their spouse was a certain way, but they believed once they were married or had children, etc., their spouse would change. This is both arrogant and unwise – not to mention, it just doesn't work.
You cannot expect people to change just because you want them to do so. In fact, if you do, you will only open yourself to being hurt and upset. While we might ask others to change, it's another thing to expect or demand that they do so. It just doesn't work. We cannot change others just to please us, we can only change ourselves or our circumstances.
Effective change will only happen if the person in question decides for himself or herself that they want or feel a need to change. It will not happen if they are guilted, badgered, or disrespected. On the surface, they may appear to have changed, but once the opportunity arises, they will revert to their old ways of thinking and acting.
Instead, concentrate on changing yourself. Change your attitude about the other person. Is it really important that they feel the same way that you do about things? Is it really a deal breaker if they don't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste? Do you want to pin all your happiness on whether the other person is going to remember to put the dishes away in the same way you expect?
So treat yourself and all those around you with the upmost respect, and don't expect anything less from anyone else. Be focused on what is in your personal self-interest by being grounded, balanced, and taking care of your body and mind. That is what it means to be self-centred in a positive way.